


The Gift

by mattie_147



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Gen, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 09:48:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12033381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattie_147/pseuds/mattie_147
Summary: Just one of those 147 days when Buffy wasn't there.





	The Gift

**Author's Note:**

> Written immediately after finishing 'Afterlife' (S06E03) in attempt to deal with the feels(TM). It didn't help. Enjoy.

Day One Hundred and Three

For the first time in a long while, the night was bright, silky and silent. It was a pleasant break from almost a week of continuous raining, but somehow it wasn’t soothing enough. Thunder and raindrops are powerful, and familiar, and distracting. The cold, quiet air leaves too much space for thought.

Dawn seemed to have developed a habit of turning the lights off when it got dark. She wasn’t sure if it was for saving on electricity bills or preserving the gloomy mood, but she liked it. It made the living room all cozy. She sat on the floor with her history textbook and a lamp by her side and pretended to study.

Her usual babysitter was there as well, occupying the entire sofa like a lazy black cat. Today Spike was even quieter than usual. He wasn’t big on chitchat, but most nights he would at least complain about things and make inappropriate jokes. She figured he was just bored, or pissed. It was the third time in a row he was left in charge at the Summers’ house while the gang was too busy with their lives.

Dawn yawned and flipped through the pages once more. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t remember even the basic outline of the chapter. She hated it. It was stupid, and unfair. The monks stuffed fourteen years of education in her head, couldn’t they equip her with the entire school program while they were at it? But she kept on reading anyway. She was content that her new kind of impending doom mostly consisted of tests she wasn't entirely prepared for.

-Hey there kiddo, you mind if I turn on the lights?  
-Yeah, sure. – She replied, not even looking away from her book.  
The light switch clicked and for a moment it was too bright to see. She blinked a few times and turned the page back. It was too dull for words.

A minute later, still stuck on the same paragraph, she smelled something chemical in the air. Dawn turned around and gladly put the book away.  
-What are you doing? – She asked, looking at Spike like a curious puppy.  
-Taking care of my nails. – He replied.  
Now that she had a reason to, Dawn was quick to abandon her studies. She got up and moved closer to the sofa to watch. She has never seen Spike paint his nails.  
-Why is it always black?  
He smirked. – What color would you suggest for a scary, evil vampire?  
-I don’t know. – She shrugged. – But black is alright. It looks pretty.  
-Thanks. – He muttered.

He hasn’t applied a fresh layer for ages. It didn’t seem appropriate for some reason. Nothing that was just for him did. He didn’t sleep much, night or day, and regularly starved himself to a half-conscious state. Even pig’s blood bought from a butcher felt like a betrayal of some sort.

-Can you do mine as well? – Dawn asked, having watched him for a few minutes.  
-I only have the one. – He told her, carefully turning the cap on the tiny bottle. – Will your witch aunties approve?  
-Oh, I can get some other colors from upstairs. – She said. – You know, B… - She paused mid-sentence.  
-It’s fine. – He assured her. – You can say the B-word around me. I’m not gonna cry.  
‘Not while you can see me anyway’ he thought, but didn’t say it out loud.

Dawn felt very awkward. She bit her lip and stared at the floor.  
-I know you are grieving. It’s not weird. We all are. – She took a deep breath in. – And it’s all my fault. She only jumped because of me. I should have…

Suddenly Spike was on her level, looking her in the eyes with a frightening intensity.  
-Listen to me, Summers. – He was trying to stay calm, but it wasn’t working very well. – You were given a gift, okay? A gift of a normal, boring human life filled with exams and coffee shop dates and tax returns and whatever you mortals are all about these days. And you should value it, cherish it like nothing else. So don’t you dare have those thoughts. She didn’t die for you to drown in guilt.  
Dawn wasn’t sure how to reply.  
-Okay. – She said. – I… I won’t.

Of course it wasn’t the little one’s fault. In Spike’s tortured mind, it was always his. Day after day, night after night, he went through his memories, again and again, coming up with more scenarios in which he could have saved her.

He comes back to the demon’s house to make sure he is dead and sticks his head in the still burning fireplace. He climbs the stairs just a little bit faster and manages to untie Dawn in time to stop the ritual. He grabs the demon by his sleeve and they both crash down to the earth and maybe the demon puts something sharp and wooden through his chest that very moment, and he dies with a mouth full of blood and a smile on his face, but. But. She leaves the place on her own two feet, and not as a limp body in the hands of her devastated friends and heartbroken watcher.

He missed the times when he hated himself for what he has become. Back then he was angry, alive, full of fire and craving vengeance on… someone. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t ask to be in love, and he definitely didn’t ask to be in love with the slayer. 

To have every thought in his head replaced with thoughts of her, to crave her touch more than he craved anything, ever before. To be there at her doorstep every time her baby sister needs supervision, or spend the entire summer killing his own kind with the people he used to despise just because it is the only way for him to feel something other than bitter, burning pain. 

To have those dreams where she is alive and well and comes to him to say thank you and kisses him on the cheek… they were the worst, those dreams. Worse than Glory forcing her fingers through his skin. Worse than any torture.

Sometimes he thought about a way out. Maybe he could come to her grave and stay there until morning, let the first beams of sunrise lick his face and turn him to dust. He didn’t know what happened to vampires after that, but he hoped for a chance to turn up in hell. Then he could find her and, well, they could be in hell together. That had to be better than living. Living without her.

But then someone would knock on his door and stand there, all sorry and sad, and ask him for another favor. ‘Can you help us with this demon?’. ‘Can you watch Dawn for the night?’. ‘Do you want to patrol with us?’. And he would always say yes because Buffy would have wanted that. Probably. He kept on going for that ‘probably’. It was the only thing he had left.

-So, can you paint my nails or not? – Dawn was getting impatient. Very soon Tara and Willow would be back and then the fun would be over.  
-Sure I can. – He nodded, forcing a smile. – Get me the supplies.  
***

Dawn spread her fingers apart and admired the beauty. Who would have thought Spike wasn’t only good at fighting and being very annoying? She was happy about tonight, or as happy as she could be right now. They already ate all the sweets that Willow was hiding from her and watched some horror movie that she most definitely wasn’t allowed to watch, (though Spike ruined all the scary moments by critiquing it at every opportunity) and now they were drinking tea together. For tonight, she could pretend things were okay.

-What are we gonna do now? – Spike asked. – A puzzle, maybe? Or you can tell me about the boys at school you like.  
She laughed. – I used to have a crush on you, you know.  
-Really? – He felt a bit flattered. – Why did you stop then?

She laughed again and sipped her tea. – You could help me with my homework.  
-Oh, I’m not sure I can do that. – He said. – Back when I went to school, nobody really knew what an atom is, and Darwin’s theory of evolution was a kind of a ‘kids these days’ thing.   
-You can help with history though. – Dawn replied. – I’m reading about the Victorian era. I bet you know a thing or two about that.

She grabbed her book from the table, opened the right chapter and gave it to Spike. He read a few lines and shook his head.  
-Boy, did they get a lot of things wrong.  
-Tell me then! – She demanded. – Tell me the truth.

He looked at her and saw a glimmer of excitement on her face, and for some reason, it filled him with warmth. He blamed it on the tea.  
-Right, well listen then. – He told her, putting the book away. – First of all, the clothes? More ridiculous than anyone can imagine.  
Dawn shifted in her seat, rested her head on the back of the sofa and smiled. And that night, her smile was his gift, and it was all that mattered.


End file.
